I’ve recently been sharing my journey concerning the turn my life’s been taking. The immigration issue and the issue of resources have been the triggers for me to go much deeper below the surface, beyond the superficiality of it all. By this I mean the superficial understanding of all this fear over the task of asking.
On the face of it, it’s been looking like the same old story, and it’s a story we all share in at some level or another. In fact, on a surface level, it IS the same old story. It’s a story so old and moldy, this fear aspect, so ancient and primal, that it would be easy enough to ignore what lurks beneath it. After all, it’s just human, isn’t it?
But, there is something lurking beneath the fear. It’s a scaffolding put in place specifically to protect the sleep-walking human until there is an expansion of consciousness necessary for moving into sovereignty and the awareness of being co-creators in this world.
We’ve been operating on auto-pilot for so long! Blessings to this protective mechanism we’ve installed for this long and weary trek through the unconscious times, the dark ages of this planet. It’s not the enemy, in fact it’s been a blessed ally who’s protected us through our infancy, just like a loving and fiercely protective mother.
To find the beginning of this thread of fear would be difficult. In truth, the beginning of it probably goes back as far as the falling into the forgetfulness in our journey of the ‘descent’ of our formless, immortal consciousness into matter. As pure consciousness, I think it’s been far easier to be expansive, inclusive, and otherwise unhindered by the challenges we’ve had while inhabiting human form.
The body has been both a blessing and a challenge to us, coming as pure consciousness into this earthly saga of bliss and woe. The intense beauty of the capacities of the human form to feel and move in the world of matter is a mixed bag of challenges as well. Our physical and emotional capacities for extreme feelings are our crowning glory in one sense and our crown of thorns in another.
The polarities of pleasure and pain are most often the measuring points that we use to determine how well we’re doing in life from moment to moment, and this value system comes from deeply physical and emotional places in our being. Inherent in this process is the value judgment that pain is bad and pleasure is good. When we feel good, it’s a good day and life is good. When we feel bad, it’s a bad day and life is bad.
I’m not trying to say that pain is good, but oftentimes it’s the pain or discomfort that’s the signal from the body, be it physical or emotional, that’s trying to get through to us that something isn’t in alignment in the Now. It’s very seldom in the now moment that there’s something life-threatening happening for most of us. Yet in my case, there was a shield of spiritual pride held in place by this fear lurking just under its surface.
If fear expresses as a physical pain in the body or as an emotional one in the spirit, either way, it’s a clear and present signal in the now that something’s there that’s asking for our attention and our love. Something out of balance which is asking to be seen, felt, and known.
As anyone who has been in any kind of fear can attest, the more intense it is the more the body is likely to experience discomfort and pain. If this discomfort alone isn’t enough of a deterrent to forging ahead anyway and moving through in order to do whatever the fear is trying to prevent, then its intensity can increase to the point where one can be left feeling like their very life is being threatened.
This is what happened to me recently when I pushed through my own fear and resistance over a simple task of asking for help. Rather than doing what I might normally would do in the situation of feeling extreme discomfort, which would be to avoid it by aversion, I defied it and forged ahead anyway, and it extracted its pound of flesh for it too. Just like being bitten on the posterior by a junk yard dog.
While the pain of having a chunk bitten off my pride is now on the receding side of this little litany of uncomfortable signals, the underside of that is now delivering pulses of deep sadness. If nothing else, this emotional train ride has been one of duration, it has yet to leave me.
It’s obvious that the act of asking isn’t actually life-threatening. That’s over-dramatizing it by a long shot. I have the memories from having cancer under my belt, and from those experiences I understand the connections that fear and the threat of death from dis-ease share. At that time, I perceived that fear ‘tasted like’ death, and I knew in order to live I’d have to be determined not to indulge in fear, which I clearly perceived as the very fuel of the disease. I suppose this could be called courage, but in this case, the choice was clear. As in do or die clarity.
In that instance, in order to survive, the fear habit had to go. What this entailed was a long practice of bringing awareness to and quelling those internal dialogs which are negative in nature, particularly those which were victim-based, self-destructive or self-demeaning. If it ‘smelled like’ fear, I acted ruthlessly to eradicate it from my world. I simply didn’t have the energy to mess around. With such a high level of motivation, I did succeed, and I’m still alive to talk about it.
This is undoubtedly where I got highjacked by egoic pride, this place where I conquered fear and death, separating and compartmentalizing myself away from all that could be threatening to my life continuing. All this coming from a deeply unconscious place by the way.
This pride has been masquerading as a good thing, my protective buffer, when it’s actually the separation of fear, messing with my ability to assign value to everything in appropriate ways, as well as my ability to relate to others in trusting and loving ways.
Like beads on a string, I’m becoming aware of even deeper levels of fear in my being. Fear that’s coming out of my body, my very cells, or so it feels. While this looks on the surface to be a ridiculous excuse for this amount of fear to reside hidden there under this thin veneer of pride, this too is a value judgment, one I’m fairly certain I don’t even have enough information to make. I’m in the process of doing some deep personal diving to discover the truth of what this body is holding, which is giving this signal out that’s making me squirm and long for it to just go away.
So, here’s this puzzle. The clue is that pride is hiding something deeper that is being felt as fear. This fear feels seriously like it’s a signal given to protect my life. Whaaaaa? But just because this puzzle isn’t popping open with the tool of reason doesn’t mean that I’m giving up on solving it.
‘Remove this fear and move out of the protection of pride and you’ll endanger your life’. This is the message this fear has delivered to me. Ahhh, now I see… This is a measure of my trust in life itself and my trust in my brothers and sisters in this world. Behind the resistance to asking was the pride, behind the pride was the fear, and behind the fear is my inability to trust.
So when did I agree to give so much of my power and my ability to trust in life, in living, and in others, away? This is clearly a way to separate myself from others. Only now can I see how this distorts my view of who they are, as well as masquerading as something I’m not.
I don’t remember making these decisions. No wonder there’s this deep sadness that I’ve floundering in! If this is what’s stuck in my body tissues, my cells , and what I believe on some deep and hidden level of my being, then it is indeed very, very sad.
These deep-seated feelings and fears aren’t always so easy to ‘reason’ away, I know. In fact, for the most part there isn’t any way to apply reason to them at all.
The reasoning part of my mind has already had this discussion and even gone on a voyage of observation and discovery on this issue lasting many decades. It’s been definitively proven, with tons of evidence to back it up, that the true nature of my fellow human beings is benevolent (even if defensive and fearful), and that the nature of the Universe Itself is abundant and exponentially benevolent.*
This entire recent experience of self discovery has unveiled yet another layer of the matrix of me that isn’t really me. Looking at this from an observer’s position, it makes little sense at all, and this part of me is in amazement that it can even exist in my space. But it does exist and I can promise I’m feeling it!
What I’m feeling is lack consciousness. What I’m feeling is directly associated with the beliefs I hold about life being a place lacking what I need to sustain me, and about my fellow humans being unwilling to help, share, and care for me.
Nothing to do at this point in my view except to take all this not-true tangle of beliefs and feelings and surrender it to the Divine for transmutation. I’m throwing all this not-me into the Sacred Fire, perhaps again and again, until these feelings are finished with signaling to me what is clearly not real and not true. This lack consciousness deeply imbedded into me and my body is my current fuel for the sacrificial fire.
* A quick way to ‘prove’ this Universal Benevolence out is to figure out how many days you’ve lived so far and to then subtract how many days you’ve been without all you need to survive and even thrive.
Days you’ve been fed, had shelter, been able to breathe and so forth don’t get subtracted, neither do days you just had a poor attitude.
Take the number you subtracted and compare it to the number of days in your life. Does it still make sense to worry and allow fear to motivate every relation we have to each other and to the Universe?
It’s a matter of perspective. It actually defies reason to think and feel that the Universe is a hostile place.