In the last few days of September of 2013 my life was upended in a radical way. My husband had to quit his job, either that or risk us being separated, perhaps permanently. Those who have gone through this threat to themselves and their relations know just how crazy this is and how stressful this process is of dealing with the virtual boundaries of countries and the laws which artificially separate us.
We’ve been supported by this community of Lightworkers in this highly threatening and emotional adventure. The support has been so extreme as to include not only the financial help to pay all the fees, but also the radical trust of someone who knows us only through the internet to act as his sponsor into the US, since I don’t have the job and financial history to do this legally.
Two days ago I received the form letter from the visa authorities that announced our case will probably be determined by the end of 60 more days. In 30 days or so, we can expect to have an interview. That’s two more months waiting on a determination and then a couple of weeks (or so) to get the green card needed to work here. Add to this the amount of time to secure a job and receive a paycheck.
These last four months have depleted the monies we had saved up and also the monies given to us in what could only be viewed as miraculous generosity of a very beautiful community of lovers. Around $5,000 of our savings and a bit over $5,000 from gifts has dwindled to under $1,000.
That’s the background and the facts, and where this gets interesting is what the internal process has been for me.
This isn’t the first opportunity in my life to understand that the Universe is bountiful and abundant. That it can and does miraculously provide in ways that I’m incapable of knowing up front. One could have bowled me over with a feather when people rushed forward with love, moral support, and money to support us. Without asking!
And this asking for help issue is a big part of this experience I’ve been struggling with. I don’t believe this issue is mine alone, I see it as being at the foundation of what many of us have been going through in this time of transition. There are those in circumstances that are similar in nature on the financial front all over the place in the Lightworker community. It’s a fact that without the support of community the community itself would dissolve and no longer be possible. Whether it’s love, gratitude, attention, or financial support given, it’s energy from community that’s the glue.
Up until we hit this trigger zone of holding under a thousand dollars, I was doing pretty well with balancing my emotions and thoughts about the resources dwindling and no paycheck to replenish them. I’ve been riding high on the energies of gratitude and wonder over it. I’d have to say that Gratitude been the fuel of my being able to powerfully and consistently keep my energies very high indeed.
We all have our trigger and this one has been mine. The facts are: I have a free place to live, food to eat, bills are paid, clean clothes and body. So, where is the danger signal coming from that keeps making me feel the bottom of my stomach fall out?
I’ve been struggling with this for about a week, since I paid the current bills and this triggering happened. For the last week, I’ve been watching my vital energies depleted over and over again with this background trigger draining me and pulling me down. The thing is that this feeling of dread has nothing to do with my actual reality regarding right now. I know this, I’ve earned the gold star and have the certificate, and yet, and yet…
This has also brought on an examination of my level of mastery in the past few days. Goodness, I’ve lived through homelessness and drug addiction and life threatening cancer! The ‘threat’ here to my survival isn’t anything compared to where I’ve already been and survived. So then, I am asking myself, where is my mastery?
I’ve been calling out for the support of my Higher Guidance team to keep me from sliding off the back of the wagon here, to help me to master my thoughts and emotions about this. And here is what has come up for me to look at.
When looking at how this has all rolled out, it’s exceedingly clear that the Universe has provided a tremendous and miraculous amount of support for us, crushing and demolishing our beliefs about our personal ‘value’ and whether or not there is such a thing as Divine Providence. There is, we’ve been living in it, end of story.
Through what ‘portal’ has this Divine Providence revealed itself in this realm? Through community! And how does this community know to channel this Divine Principle? Well, they don’t know until asked, until there is the information out there to see and respond to. Is there need? How will it be known without asking? And that’s that.
So, what is this resistance I feel to asking all about? What is it that blocks me from feeling like it’s acceptable to ask for support? Is this pride?
I’ve taken a long hard look at this pride issue in the past few days. I’ve been giving of myself, my time, and my energy to this community now for about three years without having to acknowledge the pride I’ve felt in being able to do so without worrying about supporting myself. My husband had a good job and there’s been no need for me to work for a paycheck. Lucky me, I’ve been blessed with finding a place to spend my energies in ways that I’ve felt some passion for and I’ve felt actually may make a difference in this world.
Is it my pride stinging here when it comes time to receive rather than the endless giving? Is my survival at stake here when I might need to (gasp) ask for more? What’s up with the feeling of being like Oliver Twist standing up with the bowl asking for more porridge?
Round and around this internal dialog has been going on. It’s been an emotional, physical, and energetic roller coaster. It’s been depleting my energies, as I said, and I feel the need to take a look at it publicly, and share it with you.
What I know and have personally experienced in my life is that the doorway of giving and receiving is the same doorway. To only give or only receive is unbalanced, and either way is a blockade to this integral portal in the human heart. What motivates this imbalance in my life? Well, for me it’s been pride, hiding there in plain sight, as it were.
My prayer in the last few days is for this pride issue to be removed from me, for me to understand that my value has nothing to do with being a ‘greedy giver’ who never needs to ask or needs to receive. And honestly, it hurts. Just what it is that is hurting here? Why is it that I feel wonderful when in the power position of giving and feel drained and hurt when in need and asking to receive?
This has been a dramatically emotional experience to go through. I’ve had fleeting visions of jumping off cliffs and bridges. It would be laughable if it weren’t so painful, and it’s ridiculous. It’s one thing to intellectualize the Divine Principles in action here, and another to actually live them out. Here, where the rubber meets the road, so to speak, it’s been another story entirely.
This is where radical trust is coming into the picture. I feel as if asking for more help is akin to the trust that happens when a rock star jumps into the audience at a concert and the fans support them to keep them from falling to the ground. Only I’m not a rock star and all of you aren’t an adoring and idolizing crowd at a concert.
Therefore, radical trust is the mantra of the day for me today. It asks me to ask for continued support from community. It asks me to put aside the fears that underlie all this needless drama and to trust. There’s no reason for asking someone to ask for me, even though I know someone would.
So, if there are any of you in the community that are willing and able, without shorting their own needs, to assist me and my husband financially to make it through this passage for the next three (or more) months, you may do so through the Hope Chest by sending however much you wish and mentioning my name. You may also send money to my paypal address at firstname.lastname@example.org.
For those who wish to continue to support us with prayers and loving thoughts, please address them to me, either energetically or to my email at email@example.com. I’d love to hear from you and I do feel your love and blessings, and believe them to have great power to help us.
Now that I’ve shared this, I’m going back again to Gratitude. Right now I’m feeling very grateful indeed for the clarity on the pride and power of being a giver issue in my own psyche. I’m grateful for the opportunity to work on releasing it and thank you for sharing it with me by listening.