This morning I woke up and had an interesting experience. One not completely unfamiliar, and yet from a whole new frame of reference.
While still in the in-between of getting reseated in my body, I clearly saw it as a doll-like thing. Like a puppet, like an avatar, I deeply understood it (once again) to be not me, to be instead a vessel inhabited for the moment only.
Like I said, I have experienced this before, only it has been a long time since I had cancer, since I was dying from it in 1983, and had such a ridiculously difficult time getting seated back inside my body in order to live. This process took several years, at least, before I could bear to be back in it. I remember hovering over the top of it most of the time, and having the disconcerting experience of looking out of an area above my head about a foot much of the time until I did.
In contrast, this morning I felt very deeply seated in the body with none of the distaste of the previous similar memory of this awareness. It took none of the intense dedication to purpose to remain so either, like before.
Still, very clearly, I was in sharp awareness that this body is not me. Like saying my car is not me, though it may be an expression of me in some way, in my choices of make, model, and color, in the choice of seat covers, or the dream catcher and angel hanging from the dash.
These expansions of awareness are coming fast and heavy now. Once again, there is a spiraling effect to how they are being experienced for me. The level of understanding I have access to now compared to what I could access at that time and run through my mental and emotional bodies is immense.
Just typing that brought to mind the fact that it has been 30 years now almost to the day that I was standing on the edge of my own grave, straddling the veil between the worlds of the living and the dead. And here am I, spiraling back again to look again at the same issues.
The most incomprehensible thing at that time, and also the most sensibly and obviously true, was that there was LIFE on both sides. The whole concept of death was ripped apart never to congeal back into a workable illusion for me ever again.
This bears some more explanation, so here goes… Never again to fear death. Think about this one. It’s all good to consider the philosophical in a mental way, the theosophical treaties on life after death and so on, but to have a direct experience is a whole different world of wonder.
The experience of the past is another story and one that I may someday share here in its entirety, but not today. Today is dedicated to the deeper understandings and the broadening awareness in this spiral.
This living avatar, my own body, I awoke to see it again as such and this was a jarring moment! ‘Look at it’, I was thinking, ‘what the hell? It is not me! It is a device!’
Yes, a device, a vessel, a vehicle, oh wow!
Right behind this thought was this one. ‘Love it for goodness sake!’
Continuing with the morning ordeal of dress the body and etc., a series of realizations rolled out like a red carpet. Like a time released packet of truth and beauty, it unfurled before I even had the chance to buckle on my usual armor of ‘who I am here’, my proverbial putting on the face of my personality.
This body of mine, this living avatar, it is composed of the essence of the Goddess Eternal. Through Her avatar, the gorgeous and manifested, abundant with life, Gaia. There is no piece or part of it that is not a part of Her body also, loaned to me for my personal benefit.
Think of this! It is so obvious and yet it is also such a foreign concept to our group awareness! Talk about a stranger in a strange land!
My mind is spiraling back to the movie, Avatar, to the part of the story where the hero is first looking upon the avatar, genetically similar to him, which will house his consciousness on this alien planet. The images are flashing forward to the part in the movie where he gives up his broken human form to pass through Ewa, the planetary BEing to become forever housed in the avatar of the alien form.
How similar to the truths I am unfurling this morning. My body inherently belongs to Gaia, without which there would be none of the components to build my body for me to inhabit. And yet, I am not this body, I am the consciousness passed through Her and into form!
How can I not love this completely? How can this be construed as anything but the greatest love coming from Her, our dear planetary Goddess? Wow, what a powerful attitude adjustment this is.
This is the difference between knowing abstractly that it is a good thing to love self and honor the body, and Knowing it. The truth always simplifies, and this is the simplest of truths here. My body is composed of the love of Gaia. The direct experience I am having of this is so deeply moving it is impossible to express in words. In the face of this direct knowing, there is no room to harbor anything but love for my own vessel.
The incorrect and hurtful unaware thoughts, feelings and judgments about this are flying away right now, like a sob. For in the face of this light of truth, they are clearly seen for what they are.
They are nothing. And never were…