On the Edge

edgyI’ve been feeling lately.  Oh, I know I’ve always been feeling, but this is a somehow a new sort of experience for me.  There’s a newness in this feeling that’s slippery to describe, but I want to give it a try anyway.

I could say, without stretching the truth in any way, that I feel edgy and tense.  This feeling is real and true, yet looking around me I find no real and true edge to speak of.

The feeling comes up over and over in waves, tempting me to take this feeling and label it with something.  I want somehow to find some reason for it or something to blame.

“I feel edgy because of …….”

Fill in the blank here, because I have filled in this blank time and again, particularly in the past few days.  Only I’ve also been watching carefully for truth in myself and in my surroundings too.  Somehow, no matter how I fill the blank, it isn’t passing the test for being true.  It isn’t true because I can feel it isn’t.

I have some frustration going on over my ambitious plans to move forward with this and that.  Frustration because I lack both the resources (for some of them) and the energy to move forward, even with those that ask only for my personal energy to be applied.

I’m wondering, with all the attention I’ve been giving to myself and to my physical wellbeing, how in heaven’s name can I be so tired?

My priority list is pretty short these days, and I’m blessed with all the freedom that so many of us don’t have on this.  Still, if I can check off three in a day, it’s like a minor miracle to do so.

I’m experiencing time as speeding up, I hear this from many others as well.  Not only speeding up, but like a rubber band!  What I perceived as time even one year ago is gone with the wind.  The measured pace of that time hasn’t shown its face in my world for many months now.

If I hadn’t already been through the meat grinder of my mental illness days, with all of the up, up, up and the down, down, down, I think I’d be tempted to fall for that sort of business again.

But after all is said and done, I feel like I do, and that doesn’t have to be an invitation for me to run up and down the street with it like a banner flying in the breeze, or for me to retreat to the closet to hide in the dark either.  I have soooo been there and done that.  All I really wish for nowadays is balance.tense

There’s been many of us with waves and waves of bliss coming in and taking us on a magic carpet ride emotionally in these recent days.  But now, here is this edginess,  a tenseness, in contrast it feels like a real letdown, and I know I’m not the only one feeling it.  This I’m-ready-to-snap feeling has been reported to me by others and I even feel it going to the market to buy groceries from those who are shopping.  Hurray for being an empath…

I’m just reporting what I find.  I wish to make mention of it and to invite people who may be feeling it to take a look at this from a broader perspective than they may be used to.  This perspective asks that we watch carefully for what we are filling the blank with in the question, “Why do I feel this way?”

It may not be appropriate to blame someone next to us or to paste some dire label on it about anything in particular.

Like the recent waves of bliss, it is most likely going to be here and gone again.  If we look at waves in our ocean, we see between them are dips and troughs.  The higher the wave is, the deeper the dip in between.

We might think twice about considering any of these feelings as evidence for depression or for giving up on dreams.  This space may be instead the space for breaking down the old and allowing it to pass into history.

What we may be feeling may just be the space of rapidly approaching change.

 

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