Way back when I was in my teens, I came to my mother with some complaints about my lover. I was lamenting something about him and how he was. I can’t remember now what the details were, but no matter. The important part is what her response was.
First off, I was surprised and hurt by what I perceived at that time as her not being on my side. She was also not on his side either, but this escaped my notice from the perspective I was coming from.
I heard what she said, which is evidenced by how long this gem has been inside me, and by how it’s been completely integrated into how I now view all relations. It doesn’t matter what kind of relationship either, the principle is the same, but it’s taken me a long time and the painful consequences of misaligned intent to understand the truth of it.
In my perception, she had absolutely no sympathy for my position. Oh, ouch!
Instead, she said, “You aren’t being loving if you are giving less than your acceptance of him.”
She said, “Love isn’t trying to change someone. If this is what you are up to, then you need to stop it. It isn’t nice and it isn’t love.”
She said to me (and I will never forget it)…
“Look at it this way. When you are on this ride, this ride on the Love Bus, you are privileged to have a seat. You are in the bus, taking up space, and this is a space that many would be happy to have, by the way. If you are in this seat and haven’t the sense to be there, really be there with all your heart and soul, then you should not be on the bus taking up space and pretending to belong there.
“Either give acceptance, which IS love, or get up out of your seat and get off the bus. Nothing else is good enough.”
Her blue eyes blazed at me and I felt the passion of her soul in that moment. I clearly perceived right then and there that she was daring me to be intelligent enough to understand this truth.
I can’t say I did. I can say I needed to prove it out for myself.
I can say that my intent zone needed to be cleared of the concept that all relations are existing to serve my needs, the needs which are coming from a place that is not loving enough to be willing to give unconditional acceptance.
This whole concept of having relations that ask for total acceptance in each moment always carry what is perceived from one view as immense risk. The fear over this (perceived) risk is based on the expectations I put in place. I put them in place instead of staying present in the moment and being willing to accept What Is, instead of being willing to accept unconditionally with Love.
How disrespectful this is to others! In no way would I wish to be regarded in this way. I wouldn’t wish for someone to put their expectations in front of what I offer in the moment, in preference to paying attention to what I bring to them. In preference to what I am and what I offer freely and from my heart. And yet, I would serve this up to someone and say that this is the best love I have to offer?
It’s so easy to project onto others what is the more truly the consequence of my own refusal to put my expectations aside in favor of paying attention to what is going on right in front of my face in the moment.
Oh dang it! Will I be required to pay attention all the time instead of being able to assume my expectations are the end-all of everything?
Yes, I will.
I will if I wish to retain my seat on the Love Bus in a way that’s real and true.
I will if I wish to give value to who they are and what they bring to me, authentically, right here and now.
I will if I’m placing the most value on them rather than my hidden agendas masquerading as who they are in the form of my expectations of them.
Am I a pirate that gets a seat on the Love Bus of Sacred Relations by demanding it by right? Or do I earn that seat by the merit of my alignment with Love and the Divine Principle of Unconditional Acceptance?
Is my part in any relationship one that is good enough? In other words, does it reflect my acceptance? Or does it reflect my belief that all relations are to benefit me and keep me safe from my own misaligned expectations?
There’s no rule that says anyone must take me as I am. But this is my deepest and most vulnerable desire. This is so for all of us. Who will model what this looks like if we don’t?
Certainly this is a mighty high calling to raise the bar in all relations, not only those of intense intimacy. Taking a look at where the one’s willingness is absent to give acceptance and to pay attention all the time is a terrific way to understand where one is falling short of earning a ticket on the Love Bus.
May we stop pretending this is due to anything other than our own laziness and unawareness. Either pay the price of releasing expectations and prefer instead to give acceptance from moment to moment, or at the very least be aware that this is a price too dear, according to you, and get off the bus.
My mom would say taking up that sacred space is not so nice, not if you don’t really mean it….